you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
