On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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