oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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