I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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