Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You need Xanax blowdarts
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
