you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
