I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
