I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
