I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You made out with two different species that night
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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