I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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