just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
