I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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