I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
