after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
