I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
