I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
