I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Randomize
