why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
