I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
