Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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