So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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