I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
