I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
as a side note pls kill me
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
