don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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