also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Send help, water and tortillas.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
