he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
why do cheetos always look like penises
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
