We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
