i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This baby is an asshole
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
