Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
