I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
