So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
