you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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