My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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