oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
