I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
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On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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