I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
