We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
