Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
