Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
