Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
