my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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