Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
