She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I need to align my fucking chakras
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