I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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