I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
