I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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