before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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