he shaved USA in his pubs
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
