I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
