my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
