I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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