i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
