i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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