Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
