The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
