i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
