I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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