then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
