That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
