Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
