I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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