dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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