So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
