My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
