you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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